We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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