I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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