Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Are my feet made of real feet?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
