We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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