My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
