fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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