New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
