Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
