upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
