I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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