Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
