My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
