It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
