the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
