MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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