Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize