The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize