I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
