I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
