Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
this beer tastes like vomit already
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
