i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
