In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
