coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
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