I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
