She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
