woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I supernannyed him into submission
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
