If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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