Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
im on a boat
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