youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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