by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
