I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize