Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize