i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
