Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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