hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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