I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
