My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
