"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
