Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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