First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
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