she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
