He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
We are all done wearing pants today
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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