I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
