im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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