he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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