how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
