clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
