I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
