If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
