I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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