He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
