Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize