I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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