Sober January is a disaster.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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