the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Who died my cat blue again?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
