God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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