Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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