She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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