Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
