Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
