But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
ugly people sure do ruin things
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Randomize
