Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
